Can you hear her? The little one inside of you screaming for dear life?
Many love to call her anxiety. Or hysteria. A common “affliction” of women and girls since the dawn of time. Prone to breaking down over nothing, all of the time. It’s a mental disorder, they say. She is broken, they believe. She must be subdued in order to function well in society, as they drug her or even worse, as she drugs herself because she needs anything to escape the pain and shame.
This little crying girl keeps drowning in attempts to shut her up and yet, she relentlessly screams.
I hear her. She’s been there since my conception. I grew my brain, nervous system, muscles, bones, and organs all around her. As I developed fingers and toes in the womb of my mother, she was there too in every cell, screaming the entire way.
And she screamed throughout childhood, silently of course. She was never allowed to scream out loud. In fact, she was the perfect baby and child; so quiet and attentive. But inside, she screamed. The times it did come out, she was punished for it so she learned very well to push it down and deny it exists. After all, that’s what my mother did. And my grandmothers before them. My teachers, my catholic school teacher, my friends, my relatives, my coaches, everyone all did this. This is how you “handle” broken women.
A young adult woman screaming
In my early twenties, she roared so loudly, I was in pain from my head to my toes, my nerves burning and my muscles scorching. I did not know what to do to fix it (her) so I saw my doctor. There I was put on the biggest source of pain to come in decades ahead but in the meantime, sweet bliss of numbness: the SSRI. It gave me back my ability to function without constant OCD, neuropathy, and mood swings. I really thought I was fixed. But deeper the pain went, hiding away in the underbelly of my life force, waiting to return. She always returns, my friends. Always. She can’t be repressed because as long as you are alive, she is you. She is the most heartfelt you that has been abandoned but screams to survive. She wants to live and she wants to love. She will wait for you.
Me, screaming now
At the age of 40, after two attempts of weening off my SSRI, she roared again. So loudly, she took my sleep, my clarity, my ability to see through my day, my sanity. She took everything.
Or so I was led to believe. The truth is, she really just wanted my attention. She wanted my compassion, my holding her, my emotions to flow, and my validation of her right to exist as she is.
This is the path of all screaming women. All little girls who grow up to be anxious women are really screaming that she was abandoned. Society loves to abandon women. The entire patriarchy thrives on our submissive existence. There is not a woman on earth who isn’t screaming on some level. Unfortunately for me, it akin to a volcano erupting. Perhaps for you too. And behind every woman that screams is her mother screaming, and her grandmother, and all the women before her.
Mother Earth screams as we speak. She is feeling the torment of abandonment and torture too. Since we are mother earth in human form, we women feel that pain as well.
We are screaming for our lives, literally. But we don’t know this.
We are conditioned to play it small, stuff ourselves with coping mechanisms, please the world around us to fit in, and put on a smile as we do it. Then at night, when we settle for sleep, the screams come. Yeah…. she knows when she’s been pushed away. She really doesn’t want that.
How to help her
So as hard as it is, I am not denying her. It’s extremely hard. My default is to push her down into the depths of my being where she cannot be seen or heard because that’s what was done to me. It’s so wired within me that when I do give that screaming girl my love, another part of me wants to destroy her. Ahhh…. my inner abuser. Maybe you have one of those too? When things are going well, you are feeling pretty good, you have quieted the screaming and are feeling present and whole, then the intrusive thoughts come, the shock of “nope” kicking you in the chest, and the unrelenting fear rises up in your throat? Yeah…. welcome to the double screamer: your little self and your internalized abuser. All women carry this too.
Well, I hold her too. I invite her in because this little girl was forced to become your internal monster to keep you “adjusted” in your world. She is screaming too. So I hold them both. I hold all my screaming parts with as much love as I want to be shown.
I hold them so they can transform into the powerful, full of life girls and women they are supposed to be. I hold them so they can feel safe. And when they feel safe, they can let go of their “trying and screaming” and just be. And when they can just be, they can discover what they like and don’t like. And when they are free to discover themselves, they can pursue their passions to their hearts content. And when they can pursue themselves, they become powerful women who can confidently put out the fires in our world without losing themselves in it. They can become a real life wonder woman. Or not. They can choose to become wonderful, nurturing mothers who will not allow their unhealed wounds to afflict their children as well. Or maybe they will become artists and storytellers. Or the new healers. Who knows what they will choose but we do know that they will become both fierce and loving. Not just empowered, but actually powerful as their screaming becomes the very life force our wombs are meant to produce: creation of life itself in all its ways possible.
With love, the screaming little girl goes from the picture above to this picture below.
Want to learn more?
I have found throughout my travels in healing my screaming little girl that I want to be with others who want the same. Women live in isolation from themselves and each other in our patriarchal world. I wish to change that by creating a space where we can heal our pain and reclaim our power.
If you wish to be a part of this too, check out our Women for Women page and the upcoming gathering we are holding.
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