I’ve spent a lot of time in thought lately; coming to terms with abuse and healing. What it all means for me and this behaviour at large. I think I’ve found an answer.
This piece of writing is raw. It may trigger you if you have experienced abuse. I do end with a note of empowerment.
Why Abuse?
What is it about the animal species (including humans) that desire to devour the weak and vulnerable? What drives them to consume another? I’m not discussing mere physical survival when an animal hunts and kills another for food. I’m talking when an animal plays and tortures another for their own power. Some four legged animals do this. Humans definitely do.
So let’s discuss human behaviour. Especially abuse. What compels a human to destroy a victim that is too weak to stop it? Is it the primal instinct of kill to survive coming out to play in a modified form? Is it previous in-completed survival responses in itself that projects onto another human? Is it mere conditioning of entitlement of “I’m better than you?”
Coming to terms with my own abuse
I’m thinking of myself and other abuse victims while contemplating this.
I was (still am in many ways) a weak and vulnerable person. I never developed strong boundaries and natural, healthy aggression to attacks because I was consummated, birthed, and raised in an environment that never allowed me to build this. I grew up an easy mark for others to hurt. And they did. Repeatedly. Throughout school, family events, relationships, friendships, etc. It’s like there is a target right on my forehead saying, “I’m here for your kill.” But they never actually killed me like animals do in the wild. It didn’t complete. It just kept perpetuating over and over again like a tortured war prisoner.
I believe this is a blessing of the animal kingdom: death by kill. It’s over. It’s done. It’s how the circle of life continues. The strong move on and the weak don’t. It’s sad but it’s life. But in humans, death is not allowed. So instead, humans poke and prey on their victims until the poor person becomes a shell of herself with nothing to do but dissociate into her own pain and coping mechanisms to keep living.
I think it’s actually nicer just to be killed.
The constant suffering of living from the effects of abuse is indeed torturous. Ask any abuse surviver. The mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual despair tears you apart like a frayed garment and you spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week trying your very best to hold yourself together with whatever glue, thread, and needles you can resource. And you can’t resource a lot because if you could, you would not have fell so far into despair in the first place. Not a fault, just a reality.
Resonating images
I’m staring at these images on my wall. One is a picture painted of me being strong and formidable as I reach up to the moon and stars with a light so strong, it leaves a shadow. The other is a little girl that looks so pained and powerless. I feel like the little girl a lot. I want to feel like the strong and powerful me shining bright. Sometimes I do.
I’m looking at the picture thinking how much I’ve been killed but never completed; to be left with a little girl who can cry at the drop of a hat and feels utterly unable to do anything else but sit with herself in her pain. But then I peer at the painting and I can feel that power from my core sitting there, waiting to be unleashed.
The blessing of being alive after abuse
So I guess I didn’t get completely killed after all. Perhaps no abuse survivor really does. That is our blessing. Instead of death by murder or suicide from the pain, there is a part of us that couldn’t die. I hold on to that part a-lot. It gives me great hope, perseverance, and drive to heal. I believe it has kept me here today, able to write this, and able to keep doing therapy. I am getting better and better all the time. I am slowly undoing all the trauma put upon me and getting closer to the real me. It’s still a huge struggle. I still have massive amounts of pain to dig up and remove. But the powerful me reaching for the light is there.
Perhaps this is why I am writing this. To help me remind myself of her. And others too who are in the same life circumstances as I am. We were not killed. We are still here. And we are looking for ways to heal.
That is our inner self shining bright.
That is our gift in the mess we were given.
To answer the above question of why humans want to devour others, I don’t know the answer. I do know that when I witness abuse happening, it comes from the unprocessed sorrow abusers carry. Perhaps it is so large, they cannot carry it alone and therefore have a survival need to do onto others what they cannot undo themselves. This is no means me giving them an excuse to keep doing so. I’m just trying to understand why.
I think there is something beautiful for those of us who have experienced abuse and instead of repeating the pattern by abusing others, we seek out ways to heal it. What an incredible power to have. To be able to transform the pain instead of perpetuating it. It is the hardest fucking thing ever to do but I want to acknowledge all of us that have decided to do it.
We are true alchemists: turning lead into gold. We are the witches of space and time, transitioning energy of destruction into creation. We are the strongest living beings on earth. I believe we are channeling mother nature and her cosmic universe itself; pulling chaotic energy into means for creating life.
I’m looking at these two pictures and I’m thinking its time for them to meet
They’ve been pulled apart by abuse and connection restores wholeness in oneself. It is the constant goal of my healing: to return to whole after being torn apart. So this little girl should meet the powerful me.
I’ve done this before. Linked energies of two separate parts that have created consistent conflict within myself as I ping pong between feeling able and feeling unable. Have you felt this too? It’s a war that exhausts me and pulls me down into doing nothing but watching tv on the couch all day long because that’s all I have the energy to do. But every time I connect fragments of myself, I feel more restored. More strong. More whole. More present. And more wanting to live life as I’m meant to be. I have more energy to engage in being alive. I did a little of this exercise this morning which has given me the creative juice to write this.
It’s time to bring these two parts into a whole being again.
If anyone is interested in seeing how it is done, write a message below. I will video and upload it. You can also view my videos of healing on:
Also check out my page: Healing in Action as I update with videos where you can see and sense what it’s like to regulate our nervous system.