It’s ok to not be the bigger person with a bully

but make sure to not use that energy on the innocent

You always hear the phrase, “Be the bigger person,” and the other one, “Keep the peace.” when a war goes on. This applies to personal situations like domestic violence and workplace bullying and global events like the war in Israel with Palestine. I’m here to tell you that a it’s ok to not be the bigger person when responding to an attack.

The war in Gaza

Right now, there is a war going on in the Gaza strip of what some call Israel, and others call Palestine. Debates are spreading across social media sites about who is right and wrong and if the whole thing should stop. 

You’ll see the same conversation when people start to respond to their abuse; case in point: Britney Spears. There is much talk about whether she should leave things in the past or play nice now because she looks crazy.

Let me tell you my perspective as an abuse survivor many times over. Responding to your attacks is critical to healing yourself. Staying quiet, keeping the peace, and being the bigger person only make the attackers unaccountable for their actions. They need to be accountable. Otherwise, they will repeat their behaviours until they die. Numerous other victims will fall into severe traumatization when perpetrators are left alone. 

Hamas did something absolutely horrible. Many innocent civilians died from the attacks, and it shouldn’t have happened. But I understand why it did. When people live years, decades, or centuries under constant tyranny, they will eventually erupt. It’s a natural response of survival. The ideal scenario would have been to attack back the very people and institutions that put the people of Gaza into a trapped life instead of innocent civilians. Hamas does not have an awareness of justice versus revenge. 

Britney Spears

Britney is doing the exact thing she should be doing. She is telling her story, all of it, and letting the people who harmed her finally be held to judgment. Her voice is the outlet of all her anger, grief, fear, and disgust from decades of abuse by the very people who were supposed to have her back. Watching her dance with knives on Instagram looks crazy, but I bet that’s exactly how she felt all those years, ripped apart by emotional blades. Her dancing with them is her reclaiming her power over the trauma. She is holding the knives now. She is directing them where to go. 

This is critical for healing. We must access that rage because it turns internal shame and powerlessness into hope, strength, and liberation. 

Gaza needs to heal. So, are all societies destroyed by colonization. And guess what? Their response will not be one of peace of being the bigger person. And it shouldn’t be. They deserve to blow up just like they were by their corrupters. It’s essential to ensure the direction is to those accountable and not the innocent, but the fire should be lit. 

But / no But

“Gasp,” you may say. “This makes you just like them.” No, it doesn’t. The war started when the bully first attacked. The battle does not begin when the victim reacts. But it may end it. The bully will continue to attack until the victim stops it or society puts them in jail. 

There is nothing shameful about the rage from victims when responding back from abuse. The shame lies in the abuse done in the first place, and I am not ashamed to say, put it back on them. It was theirs to carry. 

Do you know what I receive when I let all that bullshit put on me go back to where it belongs? Freedom. Absolute freedom. My shoulders lift, my heart becomes light, my body unclenches, and my mind becomes peaceful. There is no guilt, just freedom. There would be guilt if I did to others what was done to me, but I’m not. I’m simply putting a mirror on the abusers so they can feel what they put out. If they want to heal, they will look deeply and do the work to undo their pain and suffering. And if they do that, no one else will have to recover what I had to.

Isn’t that justice?


I’ve created worksheets on regulating the nervous system using Mother Nature. Learn how to use that inner rage and turn it into creative fire of life. Also learn how to use the elements of earth, air, water, and spirit to restore your nervous system. Check it out here:

Working with Mother Nature to Regulate the nervous system by Returning to Her,,

Matriarchal Sermons

I’ve started a YouTube series called, Matriarchal Sermons. I read from books about the history of patriarchy, matriarchy, and women. I discuss healing as a woman and restoring peace to our world through matriarchal values. Join me if you would like to hear more.

Embodied Partnership Personal Support Program, Returning to Her, healing from harm

Embodied Partnership

Personal Support Program

Book of poems and essays on healing trauma, abuse, and radical feminism, Returning to Her, healing from harm.


Upcoming Book

Returning to Self

Journal of Practices

Blog, news, and support

Join others, and start your journey today.

Blog, news, and support

Join others, and start your journey today.

Leave a Reply