Recently, I’ve faced my own inner battle in a new light.
…A little girl who is terrified of danger hurting her, yet again.
…Another who resigns herself to withdraw from life completely as it will inevitably cause her pain, yet again.
…An inner punisher that won’t let me enjoy life and love because I don’t deserve it. This part was my abusers now turned into self-destruction and hatred.
…A fighter that wants to kill the bad parts because it’s furious that it has destroyed my life.
…One part that tries desperately hard to enjoy being alive but keeps getting pulled into darkness and dissociation.
…And last but not least, dissociation that clamps me up so hard that I cannot see straight, literally as it hopes to keep me from anymore pain.
All of this is battling inside of me for dominance to be heard. All I want to do is bang my head against the wall to stop the screaming so I can find some peace with myself.
I’ve come across this many times before. In the past, it would overwhelm me until I screamed and cried in horror at the pain and then pass out from exhaustion. Now, the battle is clearer to see and not so intense to feel. This is good. I can work with this. I can create new origins instead of reacting in blithering pain. But how? I’m at a loss of what to do besides sit with it all. Perhaps that is another part coming up looking for answers to solve the problem rather than understand it’s not a burden but a compartment of suppressed life needing to be witnessed.
That makes sense. After all, I am a product of a lifetime of never being allowed to exist as myself, whoever that is. I was a mere pawn in someone else’s game of life. A toy to be used when needed and then tossed aside when not. I have yet to feel the depth of this torture inside me. I am not ready yet. But I have dreams about it.
…I dream that I am walking on a broken earth and I must work hard to stay on land as the holes in the ground will swallow me whole if I don’t.
…I dream that I am locked in a basement with a bomb in the boiler and I know I can’t get out. I am waiting to die.
…I dream that my pets are placed inside a bowl underwater and it breaks and I need to get them out before they drown.
…I dream that I am crossing a massive war with torturous events on either side of me and the only way to safety is to cloak myself in invisible wear so I can pass by unseen.
…I dream that I am caught in a paralytic coma and in order to wake up, I must claw my way out with frantic pulls and levers.
…I dream that I am forced to be sexual with someone I don’t like and I pretend to like them in my dream but in real life, I am disgusted by them.
I dream of so many horrors that sometimes I wonder how I ever get back to sleep. Ahh… thank you to my dissociated part for that relief.
All these dreams are leading me to eventually feel the abuse locked inside me, ready to erupt and leave me. I am scared shitless. I am also sick and tired of it not happening already. Because in the meantime, my inner punisher is keeping me from living my life. The little girl keeps me terrified. The resigned part keeps me from achieving any progress in my passions. I am hoping beyond hope that these will all transform once I heal my pain. I am told this is so by my therapists, books, and endless articles and videos I’ve watched on healing trauma.
…My resigned part says, “whatever.” “It will never ever go away.” “So give up.”
…My inner girl says, “It will never ever go away so always be super scared and watch out.”
…My inner punisher says, “I am here forever. You can’t get rid of me. If you did, what would happen to you? You would cease to exist. I am you.”
And me? Well, I’m compelled to write this out on a Friday night at 10:30pm in hopes I can get some sense of accomplishment by doing so.
Fuck this. I’m so tired of it all.
And yet, I know I must continue. Another part of me, a very strong part I hold dear is full of perseverance and hope. She has kept me alive, longing and striving for more than just trauma. And I get glimpses all the time of the hidden joy I have inside of me.
…The peace of just being in my body and watching my world go by.
…The clarity of thinking and even better, when my mind goes completely silent and lets me embrace life.
…The love I feel and all its tingles and smiles when I feel safe, whole, and connected to my happiness. It’s there. It’s getting there more and more.
Breathe, Laura. Breathe. Keep going. Keep practicing all the juicy goodness and keep holding the trauma with tenderness until it’s ready to change.
Goddess, I hope this works.